My little one helps me set the table. She looks at me with her big brown eyes, eyelashes as long as feathers and asks if she can put out the plates. She likes to help.
“What’s in the green bowl mommy?”
“Words, I say with a smile. Special words just for us.”
I stop what I’m doing to look at her and the moment between us, before the dance of dinner plates begins is the moment I tuck into my heart and keep forever.
For 3 years I prayed for her. I cried into my husbands shirt in the toilet paper isle of Sam’s club because my womb was empty. God heard my cries. He saw me in the woods alone at the women’s retreat, my nose in a book. He told me to look upward. I saw three of them. Wings gliding without effort on the wind’s breath. He whispered to me. You don’t have to work so hard. I have you. Glide. Like they do. I’ve got you. In that moment I surrendered. All of it. The counting of days. The google searches. The waiting. The testing. The crying. The trying to have the baby that would never come. Offered it all up in a single word. Surrender. That’s when the Lord gave her to me.
Friday I sat on my knees on the floor holding her hand because all the chairs were taken in the room where they worked on her teeth. I cried. My baby. Perfect. Prayed for. The devil was at me that day. This precious one. You’ve ruined her. My mind raced over every birthday party bag filled with treats. Chocolate in her milk. Syrup on her pancakes. Ice-cream in her bowl. Standing on tip toes watching snow cones getting made. I want rainbow mommy!
Am I a terrible mother? We don’t buy juice or soda. We love apples at bed time. We brush. I sing while the brush spins. It’s not enough. They put the needle inside her cheek. The devil puts one in my heart.
Her big sister named her before she was even conceived. The neighbor told us that my 3 year old daughter Paige announced at the play date “mommy is having a baby. It’s a girl. Her name is Annalise!” I looked at the neighbor and apologized. I have no news. But oh how I wish! Nine months later I did give birth to a girl! We named her Annalise because when I looked up the meaning: “devoted to God” and “Grace”...I knew it was meant for her.
She puts the forks and knives sideways beside the plates. It makes me smile.
"Can we read the words now mommy?"
"Yes!"
Everyone takes a card from the green bowl. “God has a plan for my life” “ I am wonderfully made.” “It’s okay to make mistakes” We read the words out loud to each other. His words feed us. Fill us in our imperfection. Nourish our bodies and our souls. The green bowl full of words.
The devil wants to grab hold and devour us doesn’t he? Wants to tell us how we fail. Tell us we can’t ever be good enough. Tell us we are unworthy. Unable to lose weight. The miscarriage was our fault. The cancer could have been prevented. We are not good at anything. We’ve ruined a good thing. We will never be enough. Lies. He spews and spits at us. But when we are together and partaking of the truth, we know that God’s goodness prevails. Always.
We put the cards back in the bowl but the words stay in our hearts. We are grateful for how His love has brought each of us to the table. Together we are ALL devoted to God and together with the ones we love we choose to feast on His grace.
