The Most Beautiful Gift

She holds my hand and gently sweeps the polish on to my nails

Kelly is on her name tag but I know it’s not the name her mother gave her

Home is Vietnam, she says with her broken smile

I’ve seen pictures of this place

Half naked children playing in fields

A history of war

Sunsets that split the sky and earth

She looks at my little one getting her nails polished and watching a fairy movie.  

"We came here for a better life when my daughter was her size" she says.

I feel ashamed. 

For worrying about what my children will wear for Christmas photos and what I will give them at Christmas.  For worrying at all.  Worry means something so different to her.  How I’ve misplaced this word.  A thousand times.   

She tells me The war took her father when she was 13

I want to take the cream from her and rub her feet.  Tell her I’m sorry.

Apologize for all of us, who come in complaining about our layered lives.  Asking that our chipped nails be filed and our eyebrows be waxed to perfection.

I tell her my mother is working in Cambodia close to the Thai border

She knows these places

She rubs my arms like I’m delicate

And I am

I have empty decorated bedrooms

Food on my table

Hot showers in mornings

Delicate

She tells me about her mother...that she died in Vietnam from heart failure.  That she was unable to be there with her. 

I think of my own mother in Cambodia holding a child’s hand.  A teachers hand.  Telling them a story.

I miss her.  Always so far from me.  Why Lord are some mothers so far from home, I ask.

The answer comes, “ALL my daughters are far from home”

And in that moment I know that the connections we make here on earth give us a better understanding of our HOME in heaven.  

I lean over and whisper to her.  What is your real name?     

Maybe the most beautiful gift we can give each other is not something that needs to be wrapped.  Maybe it’s something as simple as a conversation and the telling of a story.  The greatest story ever told wasn’t meant to be shared only on Christmas day in a church.  It was meant for the places we go every single day and for the women like us, who long for home.   

Luke 2:1-20

I am a Morning Light

While it’s still dark and the snow is falling gently outside of our windows I tip toe into my parents room and climb onto their bed.  I tickle my mom and dads backs until they wake up so I can present them with my very best work.     

My drawings.  

My name is Karen-Ann.  I am five years old and I am a morning light.   

What were you like as a little girl? Think of her on a typical morning.  What did she like to do?  Was she sweet?  Joyful?  Carefree?  Playful?  Creative?  Energetic?  

When did you stop being that little girl? 

I stopped being “HER”  in my 20’s.  Actually, it probably started in junior high when the teacher told my parents I was “boy crazy.”  It was true.  I cared about what boys thought.  I cared too much.  

I let one boys voice be more important than my own.  Louder than God’s...and my heart broke into a thousand little pieces.      

Shame held my hand for a long time.

I knew The Lord had forgiven me, but it was when I decided to forgive myself, that out of the dark emerged that beautiful little girl.  By the grace of God, He calls us back.  Back to the place where we are most alive.  Where we do our best work.  Where we can let go of shame and take the hand of freedom.     

The Lord speaks to His children in all different ways doesn’t He?  On this day, about a year ago, He called me back with this vision: The little girl ran to me and hugged me and I dressed her in a white gown.  I sent her back to all the people I had met over the course of my life.  She had so many words to speak.  So much joy to offer.  After each person she met, she would come back to Jesus for His blessing.  He would give her a lantern and she would go back and lay it at the persons feet.  Sometimes he would give her 4 or 5 or 20 lanterns and she would surround the person with them.  When she was finished she came back and sat on His lap.  He gave her a drink of water and said: “ now will you do my work?”  My answer, my voice as clear and confident as trumpets in heaven was “YES, Yes Lord!”  

My name is Karen-Ann.  I am forty years old and I am a morning light.    

What about you sweet friend?  Were you a little girl full of joy but something happened to you or you made some choices that would cloud that joy for a long long time.  

Call that little girl out of hiding.  She wants to reunite with you and speak.  Let her go to Jesus so he can place in her hands the light of his love to share with the world.  It’s not too late.  

That little girl has pictures to draw, songs to sing, people to love and lanterns to share.  

Maybe that little girl is YOU.  

When we wake up from the dark, we let our light shine!  

My name is __________I am ____ years old and I am a morning light. 

The Five Minute Marriage Makeover

I was going to blog about how after 11 years of marriage I fell madly in love with my husband all over again on our recent trip to Alaska, but I feel like that would be cheating. Of course you did, you might say. Anyone could fall in love on vacation without kids, surrounded by beauty and worrying about NOTHING. So I really thought about WHY I fell in love with him and more importantly HOW I could bottle up this feeling and make it last when we got back home to reality. Do you have 5 minutes to try this?  

Take the Five Minute Marriage Makeover!

MINUTE 1

LOOK AT YOUR HUSBAND. 

Yup that’s it.  Look at him.  Not just a quick glance.  Spend the entire minute looking at his face.  Look into his eyes.  A minute is a long time isn’t it? When’s the last time you stared at his face for a whole uninterrupted minute? Be honest.  Days? Weeks?  Years? Your wedding day? Keep looking. He does have beautiful eyes doesn’t he? Maybe he has some new lines on his face.  He works hard. Keep looking. Matthew 6:22 The eye is the lamp of the body.  If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light.      

MINUTE 2 

SMELL YOUR HUSBAND

Ok, before you shut off your computer and mutter “weirdo” at the screen...just give it a chance.  I promise you this works!  

Smell his hair.  His neck.  His shirt.  JUST DO IT.  For a whole minute just breath him in. (WARNING: do not attempt minute 2 if your husband has just returned from a mountain trek for an entire week without running water.)  Genesis 3:16 Your desire shall be for your husband.

MINUTE 3

HOLD YOUR HUSBANDS HAND

Just hold it.  For a minute.  No talking.  No T.V.  No noise.  No phone.  Hold his hand.  Look out at the sky.  Notice the trees...how they sway in the wind.  Listen to the birds.  Your hand in his is part of the Lord’s plan. Feel that.  Genesis 1:27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.   

MINUTE 4

SERVE HIM

Bring him some hot peppermint tea and drink it with him.  

Make him a sandwich. (oddly the key to many a man’s heart)

Anything that takes a minute. Make it.  Serve it.  Ephesians 5:22 Wives submit to your husbands as you do to The Lord.    

MINUTE 5

HELP HIM.

Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

God says that woman was created to be her husbands helper but how often do we ask what kind of help would be useful or valuable to our husband? I know I can get caught up in my own daily to-dos. I have a list a mile long of things I need to do to help my kids, but what about my husband? He came first before the kids were born. What about now? Where does your husband feel he ranks in your household?    

WHY do these 5 simple things work?  

Because that’s how you fell in love with him the first time.  

Our senses have a memory. Using them in a very simple and intentional way can bring you back. 

You stared at his handsome face. You inhaled his cologne.  You held his hand and felt like it fit like no other. You wanted to please him, to help him.  To stand along side him.  In 5 minutes I bet you knew he was “the one.”  He still is..but maybe the world came in like a wave and washed away those feelings? So many distractions pulling you apart.  Ya’ll, Alaska took my breath away. It was beautiful but that’s not what made me fall in love with my man. It was that all of the daily distractions were far from my mind and I was focused on him. Just him.  What if for a few minutes every single day you put all of your distractions away and just stand by your man. You don’t need to go to Alaska or Hawaii to reignite your passion for your marriage. You only need 5 minutes right here.  Right now. (p.s don’t be afraid to put your proverbial 1950’s housewife apron on, whisk the kids outside to play and lock the door!  That’s how our parents did it!   

Dear Lord Jesus.  Thank you for the gift of marriage. Help to heal and grow my marriage. Ignite in us a desire for each other.  A love and a bond that will strengthen and grow and not be broken. Help me to respect my husband. To honor him. To forgive him and love him. To see him as you have created him. Help me to stand back from myself and be my husbands greatest helper. Bind our marriage in a circle of love, faithfulness and trust that no-one and no thing can break.  Protect us Lord.  Use us.  Fill us.  That we may know you better. We give you the glory Lord forever and ever Amen.

Dear God,

I’m such a mess. 

My kids raced to their first day of school without looking back.  They were confident, happy, excited.  I was the one doing the “ugly cry” in the hallway and I’m the one looking back.  I’m seeing the past ten years flash before my eyes.  I’m realizing that those moms that stopped me in the grocery store to pinch my babies cheeks and tell me to enjoy it because it’s all so fast...were right.  

It is. All. So. Fast.  

And now I’m home in the quiet.  

The past ten years I have been desperate for 5 mins to myself and now I have more than 5 whole hours every day to myself and I’m wondering whose fingers will dip into my cake batter?  Who’s little hands will bring me a barbie and ask to put a fancy bun in her hair? Who will sneak the hamster out of it’s cage and carry it around like a doll?  The bird will be quietly waiting for the piano to play.  Lunch will be orderly and uneventful.  The tv will be off.  The pool will be still.  There will be no toys to put away.  I will go to the bathroom and expect to hear “mommy....mommy where are you”  but it will be quiet.  

I have asked you for quiet.  Begged you for stillness.  Asked why did I get the loud girls?  The lively girls?  The spirited ones?  Just give me peace!  

Now I understand the gifts you have given me.  

The loud ones fill your ears completely.  Deeply.  

The lively girls fill your days with excitement and joy.

The spirited ones keep you oh so busy 

So on the quiet days...the still days...you can appreciate how full they have made your life.  How full they have made your heart.

There is a time for everything under the sun...  

Thank you God for teaching me every single day about life.  I am such a mess...without you. 

Grateful

Maybe it was his gray hair that caught me off guard and made me think:

He’s aging right before my eyes.

(As if it wasn’t happening to me too. We tend not to see ourselves)

The moment stole my breath.

We had raced to the alter to profess our love for one another.

Couldn’t wait to buy a house

Get a dog

Have kids

Become a “family”.

When the kids came we raced after them

They were so full of life

We were in awe at how much JOY they brought us

and desperate for someone to take them and give us an hour to ourselves.

We raced to get them into school.

RACED to take our first vacation without them.

Then RACED home to hold them in our arms.

So. much. racing.  

And now in this moment looking at my husband

I want to SLOW down

Because all the racing...it makes the time go faster

The gray hairs come sooner

And that thing we whispered to each other all those years ago at the alter...”I want to grow old with you”...it’s happening.

Every single day lift your prayers to the Father with thanksgiving

Thank Him for the challenges, the joys, the good times and the bad.

Life is racing by...but you don’t have to.

Grateful.

Ten Tips for the Road Trip Traveller.

1. PRAY OUT LOUD.  Families that pray together stay together.  Bring along a copy of the book “The Power of the Praying wife” and “The Power of the praying parent” by Stormie OMartian. There are amazing prayers in these books that cover every aspect of life.  Read them out loud to your spouse as he drives or to your children before they drift off for a nap.  Not only will your family feel loved, but they will feel protected by the power of the holy spirit over their lives as prayers are lifted on their behalf.  We once took a 16 hour road trip together and I read the entire book out loud to my husband.  The effect it had on our marriage was priceless.  I did lose my voice by the end of our trip though!  You might want to consider books on tape as an alternative. 
2. HAVE THE WRITE STUFF. Having a sparkly or cool new pen and diary for your kids will give them a fun way to express their feelings and experiences on the road.  Your kids will love to look back and read what they wrote long after the trip is over and if they are willing to share what they wrote you will get to hear their sweet perspective of your family vacation.  BONUS!  
3. REWARDS!  Fill a colorful bag full of dollar store treats and every couple of hours pull something out as a reward for being quiet and kind.  Things like silly putty or a new coloring or crossword book can keep them busy until the next pit stop and are great motivators for good behavior.
4. FAMILY GAMES.  Remember when you were a kid and there was nothing to do in the car on a road trip except stare out the window and play made up games?  Kids today still love made up games that involve the whole family.  I spy.  I’m thinking of an animal...you know the ones. 
5. HEAD SETS.  Giving the kids headsets to watch movies or listen to music will keep them occupied so you can have deep discussions with your husband.  Take advantage of having your husbands undivided attention to talk about how the year has gone for your family and what your hopes and dreams are for the future.  Some of our most intimate conversations have been on road trips.  If your kids are a little older talk to them about their hopes and dreams too.  Tell them stories about when you were their age.  Use the time to connect and get to know your kids on a deeper level.  They want nothing more than your undivided attention.  Work, the cooking, laundry and errand running are all in your rear view mirror!  RIGHT NOW you have all the time in the world to give to your family.
6. CUSTOMIZED FAMILY MUSIC.  I got this idea from a friend who likes to play theme songs for her kids when they get in certain moods.  Burn a cd of family favorite songs.  If the kids get cranky, crank the tunes and do a silly dance from your seat.  You’ll break the tension and ignite some giggles!
7. SEIZE THE DAY!  If you see something beautiful stop the car!  The destination IS the journey.  Don’t be so set on getting from A to B that you miss out on appreciating the beauty along the way.  Feel the wind in your hair, pick flowers, admire a rainbow and  open your mouth to a summer rain.  God’s paintings are everywhere.  Experience it!
8. HEALTHY FOOD.  Fill a cooler with water, fresh fruit, hummus and pitta chips and choose to stop at Subway instead of the local greasy burger joint.  You’ll have energy, be in a better mood and feel great.
9. COMFORTS OF HOME.  The great thing about driving to your destination is you can bring more than what would fit in a suitcase.  Things like pillows, blankets, extra towels and fold up chairs are useful items that fit easily into your car or van.
10. HOMELESS PACKS.  Before the trip, prepare ziplock bags full of goodies to give to the needy along the road.  Items like granola bars, water bottles, sock and toothbrushes are appreciated.  Have your kids write notes to put inside the bags.  Not everyone can take a fabulous vacation.  This little gesture can teach your kids about the world around them and open up discussion about how your family can choose to do your part to help.

PREPARE TO BOND!  Being in a car with your family for hours is an awesome bonding experience!  Enjoy the open road and your super-awesome-wouldn't-trade-em-for-the-world FAMILY!    

Got to hand it to a sister writer!

Just when you thought you were alone... along comes Jen Hatmaker to walk along side you, make you laugh until you cry and let you know that we're all in this thing called life together.

For all those moms who could use a laugh in the month of May...    

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/05/30/worst-end-of-school-year-mom-ever#.UagdQhhW5Nk.facebook

Go sister writer!

Facing Fear

Devastating reports of loss and sadness fill the news and I weep for those whose voices will never be heard, whose legs will never work again and whose hearts have been broken.

A man.  No.  A boy, curls in the bowels of a bloodied boat, a white tarp flapping in the wind above him.  What must he be thinking?  What did he do?  And why?  I weep for him too.  For innocence lost.  I tell my husband, it’s like he’s in a cocoon in that boat. He will emerge a changed man, but not in the way it’s supposed to be.   For this I weep deeply.  

Days later I walk my daughter to school.  I see a young man in black.  I notice his back pack.  Also black.  His ball cap.  Black.  I watch him walk into the school without a child.  My heart quickens.  By the time I get back home from dropping my daughter off, I am a mess.  Sobbing into my husbands arms.  What if?  What if?  

I take it to The Lord.  What do I do with this?  Do I call the school?  

The Lord speaks two words to me.  “My will.”  

And in my panic I say: “So you want me to just sit back and watch the school blow up because it’s your will?”

That’s what fear does.

It turns somebody’s daddy into a terrorist right before your eyes.  

The Holy Spirit prompted me to speak the Lords prayer and in those moments I understood that he was asking me to trust him.  To turn to HIM.  So as hard as it was for me and my big ugly imagination, I went about my day trusting the Lord, not running to the school creating panic.  

At the end of the day when I picked up my daughter I saw the same man walk right past me and look me in the eye.  He smiled.  I smiled back.  Somebody’s daddy. 

What fears are you facing right now in your life? 

We can overcome our fear in the midst of dark days if we seek the Lord.

Deuteronomy 13:4 Serve only the Lord your God and fear him alone. Obey his commands, listen to his voice and cling to him. 

Be Still and Know

In honor of National Poetry Month

The stench of

blood marked wood

rots the air

a crown of thorns

pierce 

as moaning cries for mercy

catch the winds breath

a pure heart beats 

in blazing sun

and breaks 

to greet the maker

Today

You eat in a fancy restaurant

that you carefully critique

your purse is

stitched to perfection

on your lap

children dressed in fine linen

lap up cake

and sleep deeply in the afternoon

with bellies full 

you fuss over laundry, bills

and pour over lists of wants

A whisper caresses your ear

as you greet the breeze of an opened window

BE STILL AND KNOW

and the image of the cross

blood

agony

purpose

spils over you

humbled

in the presence

of a miracle

that changed the earth 

so long ago

you weep 

and give thanks

in the still of the afternoon sun

The Complete Picture

My husband asked me when I thought would be a good age to let our 9 year old watch “The passion of the Christ”.  My immediate answer was NEVER!  I can barely sit through that movie without being completely devastated.  Come to think of it, I told him rather passionately, even your 78 year old mother has a hard time with it.  No.  She can NEVER watch it.  EVER.  He accepted what I was saying because he is a wise man and wouldn’t think to argue with an overprotective mama bear who hasn’t had her morning coffee yet.  But after he left the room I really thought about my words.  NEVER.  I don’t ever want my baby girl to be devastated by the ugly bloody mess that Jesus endured for us.  And then it was like each of those words became a puzzle piece connecting together to make a clear picture.  Forgiveness.  The word as fresh as a white sheet blowing in the summer wind.  Do I want my daughter to understand the fullness of that word?  Yes!  Even if it causes some devastation?  Deep breath.  Yes.  

I want her to have the complete picture.  

Maybe the Passion of the Christ is not an appropriate movie for kids, in fact I think it’s Restricted so for sure not something we would allow, but the question of it’s content has made me think about how much we share with our kids and how much we hold back because we want to try and protect them.  

In bed we give thanks for everything in our little world, and I say a silent prayer for my girls to have the complete picture of  forgiveness...mess and all, but the mama in me wants desperately to add "please don't make it hurt"  I want to be the boss.  To be the one to get to shield their eyes and protect their hearts and say NO to scary movies.  I want the last word.  I do. 

I pull 2 quilts over 2 little girls, kiss their heads and hear that ever so soft whisper say: "My plan.  My timing."  and I understand that as the mother of these precious ones, my job is not to be the boss...my real job is to listen to their maker...the one who holds the complete picture in His hands.       

 Ephesians 1:7-10 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

TRUST

Recently I took a trip to visit my sister in Vancouver.  GO VISIT YOUR SISTER.  I highly recommend it!  However, I have to confess that days and even weeks before my departure, I had terrible anxiety about going.  All kinds of terrible thoughts and scenarios played in my mind.  Things like: #1. What if the plane crashes and my kids are left without a mother!  #2. What if the plane crashes, my kids are left without a mother and the laundry is undone.  #3. WHAT IF the plane crashes, my kids are left without a mother, the laundry is undone and the kids go to school in dirty clothes without anyone to tell them about how babies are born!  Exhausting right?  Well, that was my brain leading up to the trip.  Yes, when we love someone SO much like we do our kids and spouses, the very thought of losing them stirs up emotions that feed our fears like no tomorrow.  Who wants to live a life in fear?  Well, my story does have a happy ending.  

In walks a little "friend intervention."    

Janie: How are you?  

Me: Great!  I’m going to visit my sister tomorrow

Janie: That is just precious Karen.  I hope you have a really good time.

Me: Thanks.  But I’m kinda nervous about going.  I have this feeling something bad is going to happen to me.

Janie: It’s a real lesson in trust isn’t it?

Me: Eyelash blink 

You have to LOVE your girlfriends!  Those friend interventions can really bring you back to reality.  Truly.  When in doubt...bump into your Christian girlfriends...the ones that can remind us that when we TRUST in our creator, all fear evaporates in the blink of an eye!  I am happy to say the trip was a success! I arrived home safely to two happy little girls, laundry to keep me busy, and a husband who is so thankful that he does NOT have to be the one to tell our daughters about the birds and the bees.  Thank you Janie!  Thank you Jesus!   

Psalm 37:5

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act

Happy New Year! What now?

A new year rings in.  The tree comes down and memories of yet another Christmas get stored away along with boxes of decorations.  Resolutions are made.  Children file back to school.  The house is cleaned. Bills are payed.  Quiet spills in with winter sunlight.  Another holiday season over.  The only thing left to do is ask “what now?”  

What will happen in 2013?  What paths will your feet walk for the next 365 days?  Whose heart will you touch?  What choices will you make?  Is there someone’s eyes you will look into and ask forgiveness?  Is this the year you will launch a career, walk down the isle, watch your son fly from the nest, pen a novel, grow a garden, slow down from chasing something, get off the couch and live boldly, hold a newborn in your arms, move somewhere new? 

Every morning when you wake, hundreds of decisions get put into motion.  Maybe you think none of them amount to very much, but then again maybe every decision is a choice that can have an impact on the kingdom for all eternity.  

Thank God for the year that has passed.  Ask Him to guide your path in the days to come.  Put your worries at His feet.  Thank Him for all He has done and watch as your question “What now?” becomes a beautiful picture of what His timing and your trust in His authority over your life can bring.  

Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.